Friday, October 3, 2014

Fire Frozen

“You can never have enough of a good thing” is something that goes without saying. If you are a fairy tale enthusiast, as am I—no, that’s incorrect; I’m more of a fanatic—you will be happy to know that Once Upon a Time has returned to our TV screens on Sunday nights. So there’s some good news for ya. On the other hand, there can be no good without bad—you know, to keep the balance flowing through the Universe and all. And so to balance out the wonderful storyline, brilliant writing, and even more awesome acting of my favorite character, Regina, in Once Upon a Time, the producers (or whoever the gods of nighttime television are) have decided to bring in the cast of Frozen. Ouch! I will not lie to you. I was in physical pain last Sunday, watching and waiting and then waiting some more for some indication of how the writers would connect the brand-spanking-new tale with beloved fairy tales that have been seeded into our hearts and the hearts of our ancestors, first as oral retellings of folk tales then as printed magic in those rectangular prism thingies filled with paper, ink, and pictures that smell oh so good, don’t require any batteries, electricity, or wifi. No such indication came. The story of Frozen characters seemed to be going in its own direction, as if someone had draw a line representing Once Upon a Time and another line parallel to it, representing Frozen. Yeah, yeah, I know you will say that Elsa found a necklace she had given to Anna at Mr. Gold’s shop, but dudes! That is a freaking set up to make something, anything connect.

Truth be told, Frozen cannot connect to our favorite classic tales because it is just too new. It has swept the nation and won the Oscar just this year, and there isn’t a day that goes by during which I don’t question: How the hell could that happen? To all you Frozen lovers, go ahead, throw stones at me, I don’t care! Frozen sucks!!! Yes, with three exclamation points. The story feels like it has been patched up from various people’s ideas just tossed at the wall, like, “hey, let’s stick a snowman in halfway through for some comedic relief,” or “hey, Rolling Stones is playing on the radio; let’s put some rolling stones in the story and they could be like parents and they will like have magic and they will like sing and dance and they will like have green moss on them, ohmygodI’msostoned, did we just put stones in the story?” or “let’s trick everyone and not have a villain/antihero, and then we’ll just pull him out at the end of the movie and say he was there all along!” Hello! This is not a crimi series where misleading the audience is the sole purpose. This is a fairy tale in which the elements of fantastic narrative must be followed for the best outcome. Oh, yeah, and like the majority of Disney’s stories, let’s kill the parents the first chance we get, but we won’t worry about who will rule the kingdom, or why Elsa couldn’t wear the gloves that prevented her from freezing everything in the first place when she was little. So yeah, I’m rambling because I really, really think this movie just shows that if you promote the heck out of something crappy, people will eventually fall into the frenzy and will buy it or go see it to say that they have, without giving second thought to its quality. If you truly want a quality movie, go see Brother Bear.

I don’t even think the makers of Once Upon a Time take Frozen seriously. Did you not see the ridiculous-puppet-reindeer Sven and the retarded cousin of Kristoff? Oh wait, it was Kristoff. I got mislead by the hair painted on his head and the orange California tan you can only get in Northern Europe. Jeez, I hope the producers realize that Frozen is targeted at the three-year-old preschool princesses who are in bed by the time Once Upon a Time comes on our TV screens and will soon pull it off the show. Because, frankly, adults are only interested in something frozen when it is shaped like a cube, swirling in their glass, chilling a well-deserved drink at the end of the day. 
For now, I leave you with this: Everything Wrong with Frozen <--click