Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Teaching Miley Cyrus an Astronomical Lesson

How does this                                                                         

and this

                                                                go together, you ask?

It so doesn’t. Therefore, I’m glad to announce that the engagement of Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus has been called off. Whew. The possible future children of “Lialey” have been spared the embarrassment of having a wicked weirdo for a mother! Also, does anyone else think that her tongue is just abnormally long and large? If Miley licked a frozen pole, she’d probably be able to turn around, get into her car, and drive to Starbucks to get a hot tea/coffee to defrost her slug-like tongue on steroids.

Yeah, yeah, I know some people have to put in their two cents and defend her by saying: “She’s not doing anything new. Just look at Madonna and Lady Gaga!” To those people I say, Puh-leeease. You cannot put Miley Cyrus in the same category as Madonna and Lady Gaga. It would be an astronomical mistake. And since we’re on astronomy, let’s do an astronomical comparison. Pretend Madonna is the Sun, Lady Gaga is Jupiter, and Miley Cyrus is Pluto. You see the difference there? Pluto is not even considered a planet anymore. It’s only a dwarf planet. Why? Because in order to be a planet, you need 3 things: 

1. Orbit around the Sun in an elliptical path—Miley doesn’t orbit around Madonna. She trails behind her. Far, far behind her. 
      2. Possess enough gravity to maintain its body—Miley seems to be high on some sort of a “make me an idiot look-alike” drug; therefore she possesses no “common sense” gravity and she keeps changing her body image. She went from a blond Hannah Montana wig, to dark hair and chubby curves, to short, bleached blond hair, half shaven skull, and lanky limbs. Who is this constantly morphing person? I sense some serious identity issues. 
       3. Have cleared its orbit of the majority of space “debree”—Miley still has a lot of clearing to do. From her image to her videos, and I’m not even talking about personal life, family, and relationships.

So why would anyone go to these obnoxious lengths to gain momentum and attention? The only reasonable answer is this. Your music, Miley Cyrus, sucks. It’s not nearly as good as the music of the giants you are trying to emulate (Madonna, Lady Gaga) and so to pull attention away from your mediocre art you must draw focus somewhere else—your dirty performance. Now, go take a shower and clean up your act!

1 comment:

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