Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Teaching Miley Cyrus an Astronomical Lesson

How does this                                                                         

and this

                                                                go together, you ask?

It so doesn’t. Therefore, I’m glad to announce that the engagement of Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus has been called off. Whew. The possible future children of “Lialey” have been spared the embarrassment of having a wicked weirdo for a mother! Also, does anyone else think that her tongue is just abnormally long and large? If Miley licked a frozen pole, she’d probably be able to turn around, get into her car, and drive to Starbucks to get a hot tea/coffee to defrost her slug-like tongue on steroids.

Yeah, yeah, I know some people have to put in their two cents and defend her by saying: “She’s not doing anything new. Just look at Madonna and Lady Gaga!” To those people I say, Puh-leeease. You cannot put Miley Cyrus in the same category as Madonna and Lady Gaga. It would be an astronomical mistake. And since we’re on astronomy, let’s do an astronomical comparison. Pretend Madonna is the Sun, Lady Gaga is Jupiter, and Miley Cyrus is Pluto. You see the difference there? Pluto is not even considered a planet anymore. It’s only a dwarf planet. Why? Because in order to be a planet, you need 3 things: 

1. Orbit around the Sun in an elliptical path—Miley doesn’t orbit around Madonna. She trails behind her. Far, far behind her. 
      2. Possess enough gravity to maintain its body—Miley seems to be high on some sort of a “make me an idiot look-alike” drug; therefore she possesses no “common sense” gravity and she keeps changing her body image. She went from a blond Hannah Montana wig, to dark hair and chubby curves, to short, bleached blond hair, half shaven skull, and lanky limbs. Who is this constantly morphing person? I sense some serious identity issues. 
       3. Have cleared its orbit of the majority of space “debree”—Miley still has a lot of clearing to do. From her image to her videos, and I’m not even talking about personal life, family, and relationships.

So why would anyone go to these obnoxious lengths to gain momentum and attention? The only reasonable answer is this. Your music, Miley Cyrus, sucks. It’s not nearly as good as the music of the giants you are trying to emulate (Madonna, Lady Gaga) and so to pull attention away from your mediocre art you must draw focus somewhere else—your dirty performance. Now, go take a shower and clean up your act!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Seeking Spiritualists

Does anyone have Theresa Caputo’s, the Long Island Medium’s phone number? Or does anyone know anything real about spirits? Because I’m seriously puzzled here. Do you remember when I wrote my blog post Who Wants to Live Forever (posted on 9/1/12) which was about my grandma? If not, please go back and re-read. So, in that post I talk about a very deep connection to my grandmother, promising her I would invent some medication to make her live forever, and then having her visit me in my dreams after she’d passed away. In the last dream, which was very heartbreaking and I woke up with a tear-soaked pillow, she told me she wouldn’t be able to visit me any longer because it was time for her to reincarnate.

Last night I had another dream involving my beloved grandma. The dream was ALL about her; however, she was completely absent. It went something like this: My husband, children, and I flew to Slovakia to visit her, but for some reason she had moved from her old house to a new one (this was beyond my understanding; how could she have abandoned the house of my childhood memories?). So when I queried my uncles, aunts, and cousins about her new address, no one wanted to tell me. They were in some sort of cahoots, each one coming up with excuses like, “She takes a nap at this time of the day. You shouldn’t disturb her” or  “She’s doing her shopping around this time; she won’t be home” or “She usually has coffee with one of her lady friends. Wait till tomorrow.” I finally pried my grandma’s whereabouts out of one of my younger cousins, loaded my luggage, husband, and kids into a taxi and headed to my grandma’s anyway. When the cab arrived at some kind of an odd, crumbling neighborhood, I realized my cousin had tricked me and sent me out to the loonies. I cursed but began taking the suitcases out of the taxi, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. As soon as I turned my back, however, two gypsy boys ran up to the cab and stole the suitcase that contained all our passports, money, and return flight tickets. We ended up at the police station which was useless since the two little thieves were long gone and indescribable. And that’s where my dream ended. I never got to see my grandma.

So to all of you who know something, anything about spirits…is it possible for the spirit that has reincarnated to leave that body and come “visit” its loved ones? Is it possible that they are somehow trapped and need our help? How does the spirit world work anyway? What are the rules? And what are the consequences for rule-breaking? I may be a fool, but I feel like my grandmother is calling out to me and that, this time around, I’ve failed her.