Monday, June 24, 2013

The Descendants

I know I may be a little too late with this news, but I needed sufficient time to process it.

So, that jerk Kanye West and that what-is-she-famous-for-again? Kim Kardashian had a baby. Not that I care. I only prayed that Taylor Swift waited around in the delivery room, and then, as the doctor passed the baby to Kanye, Taylor jumped up, grabbed it out of his hands, and said, “Yo, imma letchoo hold yo baby in a minute, but I just wan’ e’r’body in hee to know that Beyonce had one o’the best deliveries of all time.”

Fine, fine, enough with the jokes. Let’s be serious for a moment and ask ourselves, “Why do Kanye and Kim hate their daughter?” I mean, the girl is just a few days old and already, she is the target of numerous jokes because of her name. Honestly, do these two not know that they are serving her on a silver platter at a comedy buffet? And anyone is welcome to pick up a fork a take a stab. This girl is going to have a tough time growing up. Not only will she have to deal with the fact that her dad is a condescending, microphone-grabbing, award-air-time-stealing,  nobody-cares- what-he’s-babbling-about idiot and her mom is just another reality TV nobody, but she’ll have to deal with kids throwing things like maps, compass, and other navigational tools at her head. Trust me. I know. I’ve been working with children for over a decade, and I'm sad to say that they get worse every year. So why, as a parent, would anyone contribute to humiliating, bullying, and scarring their own child for life? Or at least till the time when the kids get to take a stand, give their parents a you’re a douche bag look, then file in the line to change their name.


But! Kanye and Kim are not the only ones who joined the march against providing their child with a somewhat normal childhood. I think it must be a celebrity complex. You know, something they can’t pop a pill for. That need to be in the spotlight, to be noticed, talked about. The need to constantly keep up with and then out-do other celebrity Jonses. Receiving positive attention wears off quickly; even the regular Joes know that. You know, you get an award, diploma, promotion, whatever. You celebrate by going to dinner or having a party, but that’s it. It’s over. After that you’re just you again.


Being just YOU is a celebrity death sentence. And that is why the constant drama. They’ve figured out a long time ago that negative attention is way better than positive attention or, heaven forbid, even no attention, and that is why they pass it on to their kids. It's the only certainty that someone will talk about them even after they’re long gone. People will be able to say, “Oh, you’re North West? Yeah, I remember when your dad snatched Taylor Swift’s microphone while she was getting an award and said that Beyonce’s song was better. What a jerk!”

Now, I’m no shrink, but I think that the celebrities’ decision to give their children the most odd and abnormal names is a cry for help. So let’s help these folks! How? Laughter…it’s the best medicine.


Erykah Badu & Andre 3000
– son, Seven Sirius (there’s only one, siriously)

Beyonce & Jay Z
– daughter, Blue Ivy (Green Ivy was already taken…by a plant!)

Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook
– daughter, Sailor Lee (they wanted a yacht instead)

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon
– son, Moroccan Scott (neither Moroccan, nor Scottish)
– daugther, Monroe (neither the President, nor Marilyn)

Bob Geldof & Paula Yates
– daughters: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches HoneyblossomLittle Pixie (just kidding; they’re not daughters, they’re fairies)

Rachel Griffiths & Andrew Taylor
– son, Banjo (c’mon; not even guitars want to claim a relation)   
                                                          
Lance Henriksen & Mary Jane Henriksen
– daughter, Alcamy (as in Alchemy, as in witchcraft, as in “aren’t you glad you weren’t born between 1480-1750?”)

Barbara Hershey & David Carradine
– son, Free (wake up! kids are anything but)

Kate Hudson & Chris Robinson
– son, Ryder (closet admirers of David Hasselhoff’s Knight Rider)

Kate Hudson & Matt Bellamy
– son, Bingham (named after uncle Bada and aunt Black Forest)          
                                         
Michael Hutchence (RIP) & Paula Yates
– daughter, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (apparently these two thought flowers grow in the sky)

Penn Jillette & Emily Jillette
– daughter, Moxie CrimeFigther (Superhero Sprite)

Simon LeBon & Yasmin Parvaneh
– daughters: Amber Rose Tamara, Saffron Sahara, Tallulah Pine (I’m sorry; are we naming kids after bath salts now?)

Jamie Oliver & Jools Oliver
– daughters: Poppy Honey (from the Naked Chef’s own spice cabinet) and Daisy Boo (apparently some fascination with flowers and Halloween)

Ving Rhames & Deborah Reed
– daughter, Reignbeau (spelling error: Rainbow)
– son, Freedom (named after George Michael’s hit)

Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
– son, Audio Science (no comment, just sorry)

Sylvester Stallone & Sasha Czak
– daughter, Sage Moonblood (to ward off any more vampire books/movies)
– son, Seargeoh (really the gardener Sergio’s son)

And I could go on and on. But I won’t because I just received news that Drake Bell decided to name his firstborn Taco; Hale Berry’s children will be called Blue, Black, and Rasp; Orlando Bloom’s promising to name his kids after flowers to make it count; 50 Cent will have twins called Quarters; and M&M’s, I mean Eminem’s kids are going to be Good & Plenty.


7 comments:

  1. Great post. Celebrities come up with some, um, interesting names.

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  2. We named our kids Matt, AJ (Alex James) and Ellie. I will confess though that I got pregnant with Ellie on a family trip to CA in the Sierra Nevada Mountains and I wanted to name her Sierra Nevada Christiana (I still think it's pretty) and my husband thought I lost my mind :) But I won with the name Ellie, he wanted Ashely or something with an 'A".

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    1. Even with the name like Sierra Nevada Christiana you'd be better off than these celebrities who, I swear, must have some sort of a bet when it comes to baby names. And Ellie is a beautiful name!

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  3. I love the name Ellie, too and I'm glad that's what we went with in the end. Agreed, some the celebrity names are way over the top :)

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  4. Hello, Aneta, I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. Please check out my blog at http://www.cathrinaconstantine.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you for your kindness, Cathrina. I very much appreciate it!

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