Friday, March 15, 2013

Throw Away Your Television

I was flicking through channels last night and got fed up with my TV. Out of hundreds of channels Time Warner Cable offers us, 90% are reality show—which I loathe so don't get me started on those, and the rest is sheer crap. As I cursed incessantly at the liar box, squeezing the remote with all my might, and debated whether I should just cut the cable and thereby all the crap that was showing, I came across Guinness World Records Gone Wild on TruTV. Now, I usually skip anything that has “gone wild” in its title, having no interest in seeing girls acting like morons, criminals acting like morons, politicians acting like morons…you get my drift. “But this has Guinness World Records in the title,” I thought, “this should be good.” So I waited for the commercial to finish its advertisement for some medication that had more side effects than symptoms it would treat, and watched the show.

It was pathetic, but for some reason I was mesmerized by, you've guessed it, the morons on TV. Why would anyone want to set a world record in such useless things as crushing watermelons with thighs, or shoving whole hamburgers in the mouth, or running through panes of glass, or even blowing a marshmallow out of the nose just so another person can catch it in the mouth (boogers and all). How are normal, non-moron people supposed to have any drive and ambition to set a record in something meaningful if the expectations are so low?

Okay, so let’s expand on the above mentioned record attempts.

 A creature with a man’s body and a beautiful woman’s face attempted to crush watermelons with her thighs.  Record to break? 8 crushed watermelons. After crushing the first one, the creature’s thighs became slippery from all the juice, so the rest of the watermelons just popped up and rolled away. This was a FAIL.

A man who looked like he’d just swallowed a barrel attempted to break a record of 3 whole hamburgers being shoved in his mouth. He took 4, squashed them into one flat circle (I would have immediately disqualified him as this seemed like cheating) and started stuffing. Now the catch was this: the hamburgers needed to come out of the mouth in the exact same shape they’d entered. How do you think this fatty ended up? Yup, another FAIL. When he took the burgers out of his mouth, he laid out a disgusting mush of saliva covered bread and half chewed patties.

    A guy, who was very obviously just a show-off trying to land some air time for his fifteen minutes of lame, got dressed in a protective gear and attempted to break the record of shattering 18 glass panes by running through them. He managed to demolish 19, BUT the rules were to break one pane at a time. Unfortunately, he smashed two at once, so he only tied the record. And then he had the nerve to say, “It’s alright. My next record will be shattering all 19 at once.” He must have hit his head really hard despite wearing a helmet. FAIL!

And finally, the marshmallow blower. A guy has a best friend and a girlfriend. The latter two spend a LOT of time together. When the guy asks what they are doing, the blond (why do they always have to be blond?) girlfriend comes up with the dumbest story, “He’s blowing marshmallows, and I’m catching them in my mouth.” I bet that’s not all she was catching in her mouth! Hey! Watch your dirty mind! I was merely suggesting that she was catching his boogers, too. Okay, so the guy puts a mini marshmallow in his nostril, blows it into the air, and the girl catches it in her mouth. The record to break was a little over 16 feet and these two broke it. 17 feet and some inches. I guess that time spent together paid off. Now they are officially in the Guinness Book of World Records for breaking the dumbest record ever!

And the moral of today's blog is:
Throw Away Your Television

TGIF, peeps!

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