Saturday, September 8, 2012

Moron Television Awards

Since the launch of MTV in 1981, this television network has been slowly but surely headed through a downward spiral toward doom. At first it served its purpose, with all its VJs playing music videos, news about music artists and their upcoming concerts, hosting charts and awesome Unplugged sessions. Then came Beavis and Butthead, and shortly after that, MTV bought into the whole reality-show-craze. That is when the music somehow got lost in the void which got filled with idiotic programming, and the network took a wide turn toward promoting pathetic rap and hip-hop artists who can’t spell or have no imagination, so they call themselves Yo Money, Cash Money, or Two Chainz (don’t even get me started on this idiot!), for example.
Like any other almost-teen, my daughter is obsessed with music videos, award shows, and mediocre media. I have to somehow control this flow of pathetic information into her brain, and so she has a nine o’clock curfew every night in order to prevent the TV from polluting her mind.
Thanks to our cable box, however, she was able to record the latest MTV VMAs. Yesterday afternoon, she asked me to watch it with her. Here I must pause, get up off my chair, and take a deep bow of gratitude to whoever invented the 4x fast-forward button on our cable box. My daughter and I were able to watch the whole show in less than 20 minutes, most of it without causing permanent injury to our ears, eyes, and brain. 
VMAs was a freaking circus, led by a muttering midget, Kevin Hart, who is supposedly a comedian. Uhm, not funny! Then, what was the deal with the blond parade? Chris Brown is no longer brown; he's blond, with some sort of a blue kink, which makes me think that he subconsciously wants to be a Smurf. Miley Cyrus went blond, looking like a doppelganger of Pink, who is also blond, by the way. Demi Lovato is also blond, but whoever dyed her hair just made Demi look like a Mexican gypsy who accidentally stumbled out of the welfare line and onto the stage. And Nicki Minaj? [insert sarcastic laughter here] Her hair wasn’t even blond; it was totally yellow, as if someone had spilt a highlighter all over her head! But I guess dumb blondes have more fun—the operative word here is DUMB. Surprisingly, Katy Perry’s hair was black, which only suggests that the blues, pinks, reds, and whatever other colors her hair used to be, had done their work of seeping into Perry’s brain and damaging it without the possibility of repair. She sounded like a moron when she presented an award. 
Next, let’s move on to One Direction. All I have to say is that One Direction needs to get a one-way ticket out of the U. S. of A. because boy-bands are a passé. Any boy-band after New Kids on the Block has just been awkward and unnecessary.
Moving on to the cast of the Twilight Saga, which, surprisingly (NOT!) without its protagonist, Kristen Stewart, came to promote the last part of Breaking Dawn. They said that the film is going to be SO epic....! I beg to disagree. Give me a break. Nothing with a small pack of wolves is epic! The Twilight cast can kiss the Harry Potter cast’s ass! Now that was a true epic! Which reminds me, Emma Watson, sweetie, what the hell are you doing at the VMAs? You are bigger than this. You don’t need this kind of exposure. I hope you remember it next year.
Next, I’m only going to say a few words about the Lil Wayne & Two Chainz performance: What the fuck?
Green Day: I know that you have survived the impossible by becoming the only punk band that still sticks around. But please, wipe off the eyeliner and pack it up. Go plant a tree, build a house, have a son...I mean, be a man. Leave the screaming into the microphone to someone younger.
And one last note: Am I the only one who thinks that MTV is becoming more and more prejudiced? Out of sooooo many white artists, they only invited Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, and Pink. HA! Maybe the network should merge with BET next year.
Okay, I think this pretty much sums up my impression of my twenty minute fast-forwarded show that was the VMAs. With this, I would like to give MTV a brilliant piece of advice. Change your name! Everyone knows that MTV no longer stands for Music Television. With all the reality shows geared toward stupid pregnant teenagers, thrashing women, indulging in drunken orgies... You’ve already shown your true colors; now show what the “M” really stands for: MORON TELEVISION.

1 comment:

  1. Hil-2-The-Larious!
    Again, you painted a truthful description of life. Thanks for your honesty!