My dog, Poe—yes, he was named after Edgar Allan Poe, duh!—is an adopted little runt who is a mixture of a Cocker Spaniel and something else (no one knows what). He was de-balled on the day we brought him home, so everything is good there. He’s not chasing female dogs although he still has a tendency to do an occasional humping. I guess it’s some sort of a reflex or an innate nature thing. Anyway, I think that because he can’t have any offspring (and perhaps he wants to) he is trying to jinx me!
I am perfectly content with my daughter and son (two of each to balance out the Universe) and do not want to have any more children. I’m taking all the necessary precautions, of course, but how do you fight fate?
My wonderful friend, Paula Stinson, who is a fantastic photographer and who can give you guidance through reading cards, came over not too long ago, and we had ourselves a little session. She’d asked me whether I’m planning to have any more children. “No way,” I said adamantly. To that she replied that the cards show another child as a strong possibility in my future, so if I don’t want any I’d better be careful.
Great! Now I have more battles to fight. Until now I only had to ward off my husband, children, and relatives who try to convince me on any occasion that one more baby is exactly what I need. Now I have to take on the whole fate thing AND my dog because last night he decided that it would be fun to see me freak out. He ate my birth-control pills (don’t ask me how he got them, I don’t know; what I do know, however, is that he is a sneaky little scheizter and always gets what he wants). He didn’t eat many, so I didn’t take him to the vet. What would I say anyway? That my dog doesn’t protect; he is using protection? Okay, so I monitored him last night and everything was good. He slept like a baby, he woke up without waking me up (which is odd; he usually nibbles on my fingers until I get up), though he did jump up on my bed, lay his head on my breast, and went back to sleep.
This morning, however, he keeps going in and out of the house, and just a little while ago he brought me a piece of stale bread he must have hidden somewhere in the back yard a very, very long time ago, for it looked all bent and curved like someone in the fetal position.
So, let’s recap the signs that are quite obvious from my standpoint.
* Poe is adopted (suggests parenting)
* He is a Cocker Spaniel + (go figure that one)
* Has no balls, thus no reproductive system, but is humping (showing me how things are to be done?)
* The cards show another child
* Poe eats my source of being careful
* After that sleeps like a baby
* Lies on my breast (breastfeeding?)
* Keeps running in and out of the house (in/out is a very suggestive motion, don’t you think?)
* Brings me a fetus-shaped bread
Please tell me that I’m being paranoid! I’ve tried to talk to my dog about these coincidences, but all he does is smile. Or do you think he’s laughing at me?